Holidaze is a series about having a fun, less costly, relaxing fall and winter holiday season.
Holidays involve a lot of traditions, and these are typically handed to us. They may be from decades ago (e.g. American "Christmas" is much newer than you may think) or from your adult lifetime. But you can always decide for yourself.
In our lives, we have direct and indirect pressure. Direct pressure is when your relatives tell you, outright, that you are ruining your family's holidays if you do anything different or have any kind of problem. (Ask me how I know.) Indirect pressure is when you use your vibe thermometer and decide in advance to do what your family, community, etc. wants from you.
Direct pressure is harder to resist, in my experience, because people who will say stuff like that to you, won't hesitate to double down. It's anxiety inducing or even frightening to do something different. Indirect pressure may seem easier to resist, but . . . I think people who try to prevent peer pressure by conforming in advance, will probably have a harder time resisting anything.
None of this is meant as judgment. I want to find you where you are, and I know the holidays are extremely stressful for many, many people. Like, that's kind of the whole point here. You're never alone in whatever your messy or even shameful holiday feelings are.
Here are a few tips that could help you make changes to your holidays in a way that makes your life happier and easier. To be clear, you can and should make whatever changes you want, that best serve your own direct family unit or chosen family. But if you feel too nervous or want ideas, that's what these tips are for.
First, if you want, it can be easier to float either one regular size change or a few small changes. You no longer want to make Great Grandma Methuselah's famous tertiary side dish. You don't want to bake bread from scratch. You don't want to offer more than one pie. You don't want to buy matching polyester holiday clothes for your children. You don't want to drive four hours each way for an afternoon gathering.
Second, use the very classic therapy exercise, "What would you tell a friend who asked for your advice?" You likely have people in your life whom you'd celebrate if they chose to make changes. Every year, your friend is exhausted and sad, plodding through enormous meals or drives or unpleasant conversations one after another for weeks. You wouldn't hesitate to let your friend know you supported them doing something different. Be that friend to yourself. Show yourself grace.
Third, and actually I think this could be the most important tip, remember that what you choose and tolerate becomes an example to someone in your life. If you have kids or younger siblings, you can show them with your actions that you have autonomy and boundaries. You have taste, preferences, and emotions that all play a part in what you do. Even if you decide you're not ready to change your holidays, consider talking with your loved ones about why you're not ready. Your core unit can bolster each other as you get through the stuff you'd rather not be doing.
Last, which I'm not sure is even enough to be a "tip," have some alternatives in hand when you present a change. If you frame a change as inevitable, immediately offer alternatives and let the person choose. "Hi Aunt Methuselah, I won't have time to make X, Y, or Z this year, but wanted to ask if you'd like storebought A, B, or C instead. Which of those sound good to you?"
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